As a child, my perception became very restricted. You see, I knew nothing was wrong up until the age of 11 and even then I never did anything about it. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn’t have changed much. It wouldn’t have changed much because it doesn’t matter what you know, how you feel overrides everything. There are so many examples of this where our perception becomes limited. The limits created by the society around us, the factors that create the bubble that surrounds us, our perceptual field. Our perceptual field is basically our world.
This bubble has the ability to expand and changed based on events in our lives that cause us to actually view the world differently. Most of us have experienced these changes from time to time.
At many points in my life my perception was darkened, the way I could think to describe it is… I felt no emotion. When I started to feel that things in my family were different to everyone else’s, I couldn’t breathe. What I mean to say is, I almost felt like an asthmatic who had lost his inhaler in a hurricane.
The constricted limits of my perception had not allowed me to see that something was clearly wrong. So when I was told that ‘no one would find out’ and I was forced to expose myself in front of my favourite person in the world, I thought nothing of it.
The truth is, I was a normal kid with an abnormal life.
In fact, I was so normal that most people would have been surprised to know that I hated the way the sunlight came into my window every morning reminding me of my ongoing existence. You know what? I was so normal that a few years later, after not receiving much help, most people would never guess that I was the one to cause so much commotion late one night when I tried to jump from an overpass.
No one would have guessed that this was the reason I lost my job. I remember I was wondering the streets, homeless, jobless… searching for an explanation. My mind kept collapsing on itself again. When you’re in that place and your mind is collapsing like that, those old thoughts keep coming back.
It seems to me that you may be able to change the scenery but you cannot change the situation. Maybe it is possible to believe that without history, our lives become nothing. It is hard not to be haunted by our past but our past helps us mould ourselves.
You could look at anyone on this street, like him over there. Look at him, smart, controlled but yet we have no idea what has happened in his life. So when I tried to jump from an overpass and stopped myself, I feel that it was my perception that changed. Maybe it took such a dramatic moment for me to realize that this wasn’t the end.
Maybe I knew all along that I couldn’t force myself to lunge over the rectangular metal bars into a sea of large metal bullets.
As an adult, my perception changed and expanded. I spent countless hours explaining myself to everyone else but for what?
It’s not crazy to think that this whole thing has had such a negative impact on my relationship, with not only myself, but also my family. It seems to me that in the past few decades more and more people have taken ‘family’ for granted. As I am a victim of this, I know full well that what ever occurs in life- death, love, power, family is always affected.
When it came out my mother found out about my failed attempt and the years of exposure, she reacted in a different way to what any other mother would. She found it scarily easy to pretend that nothing had happened and that I was still a ‘normal’ person. If I were to ask about it, she would simply reply, “it’s all in your head.”
Possibly it is…maybe my perception interpreted it all wrong and maybe I am just a normal adult with a normal life. Confusion tends to make your perception collapse. Yet, I am confused again.