Another learning curve.

I need a counsellor, this is becoming difficult to express only to myself. It’s hard to deal with it on my own and reliance on my friends won’t solve anything. It is another struggle and another learning curve but I feel like I’ve learnt enough over the past few years. I wonder why God has chosen me over anyone else to deal with this. 
Imagine being 17, your life is just beginning. Imagine everything you planned being torn apart and ruined by a simple action. I know this sounds depressing and most of you will find it hard to process and understand but I ask for your time whilst I share my story. 

No one can tell you how to spend your life, and no one can promise that your life will work out exactly how you asked for it. I always imagined that I would be in a committed and faithful relationship when I was to lose my virginity however, it didn’t work out that way. You see, everything I had protected and was proud of had been taken away on Monday, April 10th 2017. As I sit here, 3 1/2 weeks later, I can still feel the pressure. Penetration and loss of breath. The murmur of him constantly claiming “it will be okay” and “it won’t count” as he forced himself upon me. No respect, no care, his satisfaction and my pain. I wish I never went, I wish I stayed here in the comfort of my own room. I have tried to come to terms with the fact that I lost my virginity in a rape. 

I’m not asking for sympathy, I refuse to be a victim. I am reaching out to people who have been or are in a similar position to me. I can’t do this on my own and I ask that anyone who has any similar experiences messages me so that I can gain and offer support. 

Perception Monologue 

As a child, my perception became very restricted. You see, I knew nothing was wrong up until the age of 11 and even then I never did anything about it. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn’t have changed much. It wouldn’t have changed much because it doesn’t matter what you know, how you feel overrides everything. There are so many examples of this where our perception becomes limited. The limits created by the society around us, the factors that create the bubble that surrounds us, our perceptual field. Our perceptual field is basically our world. 
This bubble has the ability to expand and changed based on events in our lives that cause us to actually view the world differently. Most of us have experienced these changes from time to time.
At many points in my life my perception was darkened, the way I could think to describe it is… I felt no emotion. When I started to feel that things in my family were different to everyone else’s, I couldn’t breathe. What I mean to say is, I almost felt like an asthmatic who had lost his inhaler in a hurricane. 

The constricted limits of my perception had not allowed me to see that something was clearly wrong. So when I was told that ‘no one would find out’ and I was forced to expose myself in front of my favourite person in the world, I thought nothing of it. 
The truth is, I was a normal kid with an abnormal life. 
In fact, I was so normal that most people would have been surprised to know that I hated the way the sunlight came into my window every morning reminding me of my ongoing existence. You know what? I was so normal that a few years later, after not receiving much help, most people would never guess that I was the one to cause so much commotion late one night when I tried to jump from an overpass. 

No one would have guessed that this was the reason I lost my job. I remember I was wondering the streets, homeless, jobless… searching for an explanation. My mind kept collapsing on itself again. When you’re in that place and your mind is collapsing like that, those old thoughts keep coming back. 
It seems to me that you may be able to change the scenery but you cannot change the situation. Maybe it is possible to believe that without history, our lives become nothing. It is hard not to be haunted by our past but our past helps us mould ourselves.

 

You could look at anyone on this street, like him over there. Look at him, smart, controlled but yet we have no idea what has happened in his life. So when I tried to jump from an overpass and stopped myself, I feel that it was my perception that changed. Maybe it took such a dramatic moment for me to realize that this wasn’t the end. 
Maybe I knew all along that I couldn’t force myself to lunge over the rectangular metal bars into a sea of large metal bullets. 
As an adult, my perception changed and expanded. I spent countless hours explaining myself to everyone else but for what?
It’s not crazy to think that this whole thing has had such a negative impact on my relationship, with not only myself, but also my family. It seems to me that in the past few decades more and more people have taken ‘family’ for granted. As I am a victim of this, I know full well that what ever occurs in life- death, love, power, family is always affected. 
When it came out my mother found out about my failed attempt and the years of exposure, she reacted in a different way to what any other mother would. She found it scarily easy to pretend that nothing had happened and that I was still a ‘normal’ person. If I were to ask about it, she would simply reply, “it’s all in your head.”

Possibly it is…maybe my perception interpreted it all wrong and maybe I am just a normal adult with a normal life. Confusion tends to make your perception collapse. Yet, I am confused again.

‘That Girl’

That girl? That girl that looks so content and full of life, that girl who seems so strong, like nothing could faze her. That girl that has a perfect family and a perfect house, the girl who seems so normal.

That normal girl who lives for music, friends, adventures and guys. That girl who has a strut in her walk that is so confident that no one could ever see what’s inside. That girl who smiles and laughs constantly and seems to get all the good guys.

You know what’s funny? That girl isn’t any girl or any human, there are so many fake perceptions that we force ourselves to believe in order to create our own opinions of others. No one is as perfect as we believe and not much of what we see is real. Making these false opinions of people is what we see as acceptable and normal but in reality they’re just stupid.

I left my blog alone because I didn’t see the point in posting anymore when no one saw what I posted and no one cared. This blog is a way of expressing who I am and who I want to be.

Hopeless romantic

Without sounding too cliché, I believe there are 3 types of people in this world. The ones who are realists, they believe that whatever the future holds is what they have created and deserve. Other people just do not give a damn what happens in their life or they just do not think about what the future holds. The people like me however, hold on to the tiniest of moments and feel everything deeper than anyone else. We believe that everyone that we meet in our lives are put in place for a reason. To teach us a lesson or give us advice. “Everything happens for a reason.” 

We are hopeless misfits that only wish to be wanted and loved! We tell ourselves not to get attached too easily to avoid heartache but in the end, heartbreak is always the final result. I hate heartache more than anything but I always feel like I mess things up or that I’m not good enough for a person and trust me, it sucks. As humans, shouldn’t everyone understand the same feelings? It seems to me that only a small minority of people really go through the level of emotion that a hopeless romantic does. I know that we all have heartache but I think that some people recover quickly from it whereas others don’t. 

I think that all I personally want is a person who is there for me, who isn’t a member of my estranged family or a ‘sympathetic’ friend. I need to know that at least one person out there understands me and my emotions. I try to be happy but I’m scared that I’m going to be alone for most of my life. I hate emotions. Having someone tell you that ‘everything is going to be okay’ or that ‘I will get through it’ is super nice but it doesn’t mean anything to me because I know that they just say nice things to calm me down. 

I’m not perfect but I know that I am worth someone’s time, I’m tired of trying to impress people. Maybe this person that truly believes in me is already in my life. I wonder what they are doing now though. I wonder what if they already know they are supposed to be in my life. I hate being left alone, but people leave all the time. 

Coldness, Darkness.

For months we arranged a meet up together, promises were made and broken. It’s not the same anymore. Even when everyone else left you had the opportunity to do the things we promised but we didn’t think it through. You used your friend as an excuse.

Stood in the darkness of winter I wasn’t even cold but you were, cold-hearted. You stood by the wall avoiding eye contact just silent. No need for words, the expressions were enough. You didn’t even notice that I was upset. You only cared for wanting heat. I guess you feed upon a girl’s pain. Your breath twirled in the air lit up by the lamppost across the street. No words, just the silhouette of your body. It was so silent. I couldn’t even speak. It was obvious that you wouldn’t care if I walked away. We could have done anything but you were too frightened of rejection. I don’t even know if I like you. I think I just miss your messages, the way you stayed awake for me and listened to my problems and forgave me when I was in a weird mood.

You changed and I’m so sick of chasing you. Everything I do is not good enough for you so have the other girl who won’t give a crap about you. You’ll realise that you lost someone last night, someone who cared. I don’t even want you in my life anymore. Just leave. Just leave me heart-broken as usual.

I’m tired of playing games with you. I’m not just some object that you use and leave somewhere to forget about it. I’ll tell the truth if you do. At times you made me feel so important but not now. You make me feel worthless. The weather last night provided a perfect pathetic fallacy to your feelings and it couldn’t describe our friendship anymore. Anyone can be in my life if they don’t waste my time. But you wasted it.

You’re the chapter I kept re-reading and I need to finish it.

JEEZ heartache sucks.

Lol

xoxo

Page 31 out of 365.

Reoccurring Nightmare

I hate my life. Not my family or any of my friends but I just hate the way I’ve made my life suck. I’m such a disease, I’m the reason that everything becomes messed up and broken. I hate myself and all I want to do is just escape and be at peace with myself for a while.

Everything I do hurts people. I can’t deal with all the hate anymore. I can’t deal with the crying, the screaming, the constant battle with my thoughts, the looks, the whispers, the silence, the judgement. I’m just done. Not even my best friend understands what is going on inside my brain and the fact that not one person truly cares makes me feel worse about myself but in some strange way I like the fact that no one cares because at least then I’m not being a burden or an attention seeker.  I feel so rebellious and unsure of myself. I’m not myself and I’m never going to be the same again. Am I just destined to be sad forever? 

I’m sick of people asking me if I’m okay because I don’t know how to answer that without causing a scene and I hate lying, I’ve been asked what’s wrong with me at least five times in the past hour! If I continue to get asked stupid questions then it’s just going to enrage me. Leave me alone. Don’t ask me stupid questions.

My life is a reoccurring nightmare. I can’t wake up from it. Even when I’m asleep I’m having a nightmare. I can act happy but inside I want to scream. I’m so angry at the world, I need more people who understand what I’m going through, who can help me. If I ask you for help and you say that you’re living proof that things get better, you’re full of bulls**t. That never makes me feel better, you’re lying. You have no sense of what I’m going through because you’re not me. You don’t understand. No one does. I guess I’m just too complicated for anyone to love.

Lol

xoxo

Page 29 out of 365.

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

In all my fourteen years of experience, I have made more mistakes than anyone else I know. I have more secrets than the typical person and I definitely need to stop pretending like I can hold all of my secrets in because quite frankly, I can’t. My head will explode.

So here goes…

1- I have a strong hate against attractive people because I’m jealous. They were blessed by an angel where as I was blessed by a troll. Not attractive.

2- I have an alter ego called Cherrie Tomlinson for when I feel bitchy or if I just want to escape and be someone else for a while. Though, she has her dramas as well as me!

3- I never feel better after telling people my problems. I feel vulnerable.

4- I miss my life before high school.

5- My best friends are like my sisters but I never show my love for them because I’m scared of rejection.

6- I hate needy people because they have no idea what I’m going through.

7- Lana Del Rey is my secret obsession.

8- I blame my emotions on being tired.

9- I’m scared if I tell my mum my problems she’ll judge me.

10- I hate being alone but hate being around people.

11- I can tell when people are lying, even over social media.

12- I have the darkest thoughts, that even I can’t explain or describe.

13- I hate being reminded that we are all going to die eventually.

14- People who say they’re depressed because they are just tired. They nearly always end up having perfect lives.

15- I push people away because I don’t want to hurt them.

16- I snap really quickly.

17- I vibrate my leg when I’m nervous, sad, stressed or worried.

18- I miss people who don’t care about me.

19- My favourite movie is Perks of Being a Wallflower because I connect with Charlie’s emotions.

20- I feel like giving in 90% of the time.

21- I’m starting to say no to bullshit but it kills me.

22- I’m sick of being betrayed.

23- I hate wasting time because I feel like I’m wasting my life.

24- I could be the most loyal friend anyone could ever have but I get my trust destroyed before I have a chance to prove myself.

25- I have an unhealthy obsession with Tumblr.

26- I find hikers super irritating.

27- I feel guilty if I listen to a song that reminds me of someone.

28- I hate being talked about. Good or Bad.

29- I practice my arguments in the shower.

30- I really want to have a friendship group full of guys and girls just to take picture like in Clueless.

31- Clueless is my escape film.

32- I watch Clueless more than anything else.

33- I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH CLUELESS OKAY?!

34- I call people ‘boo’ when I’m annoyed.

35- I cannot control my emotions.

36- I’m scared to have sex.

37- I hate my body like everything about it now.

38- I don’t like getting undressed in front of people because they’ll judge me.

39- I laugh in the most awkward situations.

40- I stopped my granddad’s entire funeral just to pee.

41- Talking about myself to anyone is not a good idea because all I can say is “I’m short, I’m short oh and I’m short.”

42- I think about the most weirdest things ever some of which I can’t even write down.

43- I love to shop but always feel nasty if I try to wear something slightly nice.

44- I really just want to be taller.

45- I ignore people if I feel I’m going to hurt them.

46- People who jump to conclusions really annoy me and make me want to jump up and down on their face.

47- I get really sassy when I’m annoyed.

48- I bite my lip when I’ve done something wrong.

49- I hate remembering things I had forgotten.

50- I hate forgetting things I should have remembered.

Lol

xoxo

Page 24 out of 365.